Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
