i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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