So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
