nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The adults are the big ones right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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