what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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