life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
