I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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