Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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