I think I died a long time ago.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
