Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
