Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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