i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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