dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
