I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
