i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
