I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I came so hard my ears popped.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
