Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
