my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
