what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
