RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
