you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
