May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
