There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
