I never want to see another naked old woman again.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
