apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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