I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
pray to the hookup gods
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
