i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
