I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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