The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
