dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
