i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
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Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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