He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
