i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
