I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
