My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
