so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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