I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he told me I talked like a deaf person
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
3pm strippers are depressing
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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