At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
