you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
