That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
