I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
