You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
