I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
