you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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