Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
