Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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