God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
