bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
you never un-have a 4some
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
