i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
