I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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