Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
