the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
