Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
