She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
