she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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