Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
