i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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