my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
