did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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